Rants and moans about some aspects of fan fiction

Warning: Subjective rumbles and grumbles ahead. Agree with them, disagree with them, enjoy them, hate them, but remember, this is just my opinion. Mind you, I so enjoyed writing some of them as they'd been festering for ages. :-)

I read mostly in Stargate SG-1, X-Files, The Professionals and Ultraviolet, Occasionally I step out of these shows, but rarely. My favourite genre is slash, but I also read gen and ship. Since  I care about the standards of fan fiction writing  I'd like to point out a few things that can negatively affect how our stories are received, yet with a little effort and thought should be easily avoided. Also I'd just want to rant about certain other aspects of fan fiction! Most of these grumbles will be applicable to any fan fiction I am sure, but any examples I make will be from my favourite shows.

1. It's just for fun: I have been reading and writing fan fiction for over three years now. Much of the stuff I read is okay, some is absolutely excellent, some good, and unfortunately, a certain amount is very poor indeed. Fair enough, no one said that writing was easy, or that we all have the ability to write, but surely all of us have the ability to get our work beta'd, edited, read over - what ever you want to call it - and spell checked before we post it for all to see. Please don't give me the old 'I only do it for fun' line. Do it for fun sure, why the hell do you think I write fan fiction for other than pleasure, but even if it is for fun, there is NO excuse to post poorly written, grammatically incorrect, and non-spell checked work is there? No reason at all. SO STOP DOING IT!

2. I haven't watched the show, but... Don't write fan fiction for shows you have NOT watched. If you intend to write for a show, watch it, get videos, DVD's, check out the TV schedules for repeats, look up web sites for references, get the correct spellings for the names and understand your characters and the show background. Otherwise, please do us all a favour and leave our show alone.

3. Feminisation of <insert character of choice> If you are writing m/m slash (or even if you are writing gen.) presumably you are doing so because you like men maybe even fancy certain men and definitely like the characters. That being so, please explain to me why you have made Daniel Jackson or Mulder (and, even more unbelievably, Ray Doyle at times) act like incompetent prepubescent girls, rather than the wonderful masculine men that they are as seen on screen? There is nothing wrong with being feminine, nothing at all, BUT Mulder and Daniel Jackson are not feminine. Look at them for crying out loud. What do you see? Handsome, drop dead gorgeous MEN! Both of these men might occasionally show tears in their eyes, and I love them all the more for it, but neither burst in to tears at the drop of a hat or go all wimp and weepy in emergencies.

4. Alpha versus Beta: And following the above rant, just because someone shows beta male tendencies does not mean that they are in ANYWAY inferior or submissive to the so called alpha male. I'll maintain that Daniel is a beta male, and I love him all the more for it. He had no need to compete for top position, he is gloriously and competently himself. Therefore, being a beta make does NOT make a man, or women for that matter, submissive. Understand?

5. Domestic Discipline: Why? In the UK parents are banned from physically chastising their children. They can be prosecuted for abuse if they do so. Adults are disciplined thorough various means, and some times hard work is part of the punishment, but no one lays a hand on anyone these days. Can anyone really believe that a strong, independent, competent, capable man like Mulder would EVER allow anyone the right to physically discipline him for apparently 'doing wrong'? Seriously, you think Mulder would drop his trousers (pants) for his boss or partner to smack him? Come on!

6. BDSM: Okay, okay, this is totally personal - and I agree that what happens between consenting partners is no one's business but their own - but can you seriously believe that some of the characters that we see on screen, particularly when you look at their jobs/careers and past history, would ever get involved in heavy BDSM? Jack O'Neill, air force colonel, previously in covert ops, probably been involved in and seen some pretty nasty stuff in his time, may have been captured in enemy territory for all we know, has certainly been tortured enough on the show, is such a man as him going to be into BDSM? I don't think so. Alex Krycek, consortium operative, traumatic left above elbow amputee due to some misguided peasants, involuntary carrier for an oilien, had numerous attempts on his life to deal with, is this guy going to be heavily into BDSM? Can't see it. Mulder, Daniel, Ray Doyle? Don't make me laugh. There's a huge difference between some mild role-play bondage and domination, and some of the heavy, heavy BDSM I've read. Mulder as Skinner's slave 24/7? I'm really sorry, but the independent, courageous, determined, obstinate, single-minded man I've seen on screen does not lend himself to this scenario what so ever!

7. Male pregnancy (Mpreg): The first time I read a Mpreg story I nearly collapsed laughing. Okay, I've even recommended one now, a very stark, realistic M/K story where Mulder is impregnated with his clone as an experiment, totally against his will. He never makes a full recovery in strength and health, because, let's face it, men aren't made to be pregnant! I've been pregnant twice. I felt good a lot of the time, I'm a woman, it's natural for me. I also felt maternal, excited, frightened, large, cumbersome, sick and exhausted, but the eventual babies, now growing children, were worth it. But babies are hard work, they change your life. Why does anyone want their favourite male/male couple suddenly playing 'mum and dad'? If you want to play happy families and babies write a shipper story. And while the X-Files at least lends itself to the faint possibility of such a thing as mpreg being done as an experiment, I'm at a loss to find the justification in any other shows (except Enterprise where it's now canon apparently!).

8. Real Person Slash (RPS): I'm uncomfortable with this because I think it is a gross invasion of privacy. In character slash we are slashing the characters the actor's portray, not the actors themselves, and yes, there is a BIG difference between the actor and the character they portray. The actor is real, the character is pure fantasy.

9. Malice fic: Anyone who has read my Ramble on the Stargate fandom will know exactly what I think about 'fans' who spread rumour and hate about an actor because, normally due to jealousy over their popularity, they do not like the character. Vicious bitches sums up my view, and I cannot tolerate stories that bash characters and put them down. I've seen this with Daniel Jackson and Mulder. I've seen a few where Sam Carter or Scully are maligned, I didn't like them at all, and while I may be fairly indifferent to Jonas Quinn (a character who took Daniel's place on SG-1 for Season 6) I do not like to read bashing and misrepresentation of his character either. If you dislike a main character so much consider finding yourself another show, or alternatively avoid writing about the character.

10. The Beautiful Bodie syndrome: In Mixed Doubles, a third season episode of The Professionals, Bodie says, very, very tongue in cheek, that he is 'tall, dark, beautiful and engagingly modest.' And no, he doesn't manage to say it with a straight face! Some writers seem to have taken Bodie seriously, and write a Beautiful Bodie for whom Doyle is hardly worthy to grovel before and can never compete with in looks, charm, appeal, sexiness... you follow! This type of writing gets right up my nose. Bodie and Doyle are two very appealing men, both have faults and both can be irritating as hell, but together they are compelling. I don't want either man in my pairings to be seen as in any way 'beneath' the other. I may be a Danielaholic, but Jack O'Neill has oodles of charm, wit and charisma, I may be Muldercentric, but Alex Krycek is sex on a stick. I may be a Doylebabe, but Bodie is a damn handsome and amusing guy with a killer smile. You follow me? And following that, I do not want to hear eulogies to any character's 'beauty' from anyone. I like to see my men appreciated IF it is pertinent to the story, and NOT universal. Some people are going to see Mulder and consider him handsome, but for most it is just a throw away internal observation and they concentrate on what he has to say or do, not on his looks. Too much drooling about one, or even both characters, unless they are up on a stage doing a strip show (um, no, please, that is not a plot bunny) is totally unbelievable.

11. Sainthood: The characters we write about are human and fallible. Alex Krycek for a start has carried out some shocking acts for the Consortium. Mulder may learn to appreciate him and love him over time (oh yeah), but he has real justification for his hatred and anger towards Krycek even if, as it seems, much of Krycek's acts were done to protect Mulder as much as hinder him. Krycek is NOT an innocent, so don't portray him as such, and don't write a story painting Mulder as the evil, bad one because of his attitude to Krycek. Mulder's no saint, but he's certainly one of the good guys. The same can even be said for CSM. He's a bastard, but he's doing what he's doing for a reason and because he feels it's the only way. Writing anyone, but the Goa'uld, as totally, irredeemably evil tends to reduce them to stereotypes. Writing anyone as pure, spotless and innocent makes them boring as hell.

12. Adverbs: Strange one here and very personal, but please look out for such things as 'he glared sinisterly at Daniel'. If you must use it try and use it once only. I'm not sure why, but the word conjures up a pantomime villain to me. Pantomime is a British Christmas theatre tradition where fairy tales are enacted with comedy, song, dance and a total lack of subtlety! The dame (fool) is always a man dressed as a woman, and the principal boy is always a girl, and the villain is always totally over the top! I quite like a little more description in the narration ... she said slowly, he asked fussily etc. but many people frown at it, so don't do it too much, and be careful about the adverbs you use.

13. Points of view (pov): There are major differences of opinion on this one, but basically pick one character's pov and stick to it for an entire scene or chapter. By that I mean keep in one person's pov throughout a scene of action or dialogue or until the location changes. This way we see the scene from that character's pov only. We don't know what is going on in anyone else's head, although our character might ponder on it internally. Switching back and forth between character's povs in one scene can be muddling as hell and very irritating - although I know a few authors who do this regularly and do it well. Alternatively, you can have an omniscient pov where basically the pov is yours, the author, and obviously you know everything that is going on in your character's heads! However, I think you'll find most people find it easier and more enjoyable to read one pov per scene/chapter.

14. Tautology: Tautology is repetition of the same statement, or of the same word or phrase. It drives me bonkers. The most often seen tautology is to 'revert back', aahhhhhhh! What does revert mean? It means to return to a former belief, condition opinion etc. Therefore back in revert back is rendered totally unnecessary. Here are a few more that make me scream: adequate enough, ascend up, attach/connect together, final completion, more superior, pair of twins, past history, mix together, shrink down, seldom ever, repay back.

15. Rape stories: If you write about rape please remember that rape is not about sex, certainly not about love, but is about the abuse of power! Rape is not sexy, nor is it seductive. Rape is violent, painful and destructive, and takes the victim months if not years to come to terms with what was done to them. Please reflect that in your stories, and do not have your victim jumping into bed with his/her partner and begging for sex a few weeks or months after the event. Read this M/K Story if you want to see how a believable and realistic rape story that 'hurts' can be written.

16. Prostitution: And following that, being a prostitute is not a job that many people go into unless they are desperate. Okay, I'm sure like everything there are some who do it because they enjoy it and are well paid etc. However, in the main prostitution is not cool, or sexy, or erotic, it far more likely to be dangerous and squalid.

17. Characterisation: I know we all see people somewhat differently, but incorrect characterisation is one of my biggest bug bearers. I've already ranted about feminising our guys, but I also hate it when I read a story and just cannot see my favourite characters behaving as they are portrayed. I read a Stargate story that had Jack O'Neill going to a planet and accepting that he would be raped by numerous men just to keep in character and get the right information, and I'm going WHAT THE F***! Jack O'Neill is an experienced covert operative. He's an air force colonel. He is a proud and wily man. He is NOT going to stick around and voluntarily accept this kind of bullshit. If you want to write original slash, please do, just don't use and abuse the characters I love when you decide to do so.

18. Hurt/Comfort: A much-loved genre I know, but not one I am desperately fond of I have to admit. If you are going to whump and torture the characters I love please don't expect me to believe that they will be able to achieve feats of physical courage and bravery when in the kind of pain that would make most of us collapse screaming to the floor. I know most of our guys and girls are damn brave, bloody-minded and tenacious people, but none of them are superhuman (thankfully).

19. Angst: And following that, please, I can only cope with a certain amount of angst in a story before I'm wrung out and ready to die. Misunderstanding after misunderstanding, refusal to speak out, to explain, ask for help or to seek others' advice is fine for a bit and then starts to get old very, very quickly.

20. Repetition: Please don't tell me what character A sees and thinks, then tell me the same thing from character B's pov and then from character C's. I'm already bored by the time character B has trotted out his/her thoughts on the scene. To do this kind of thing well is very hard indeed. And following that, unnecessary exposition drives me bonkers. Show me, don't tell me, what is going on.

21. Americanisms v Briticisms: I write in two American and two British fandoms. I suppose I'm fortunate that I haven't yet fallen for a Canadian or Australian based one. However, as a Brit I need an American to check over my stories and make sure I have not used any Briticisms. Conversely, I expect anyone writing for a British show that is not British to get a Brit to check over their writing. Spellings don't worry me, I don't spell like an American, I don't expect an American or Canadian to alter their spellings for me, but neither do I expect Bodie and Doyle to turn on a faucet, we have taps, or walk three blocks back to their apartment, our cities were not built to a grid system therefore no blocks, and we use pavements not sidewalks! I will make sure that Daniel or Mulder wear a sweater not a jumper, use an elevator not a lift, zip up their pants not their trousers and eat cookies rather than biscuits. Simple, and prevents irritation on both sides. Oh and by the way, gotten is very old English which presumably went over to the USA with the Mayflower, but is not common parlance in the UK. Bodie and Doyle would certainly never have used the word gotten back in the early 1980's!

22. Critical appraisal: Will people please accept that once you have written a story and posted it to the Internet it is open for both praise and criticism. Good manners assumes that no one will ever send a flame, what is the point other than to offend? However, many people are too ready to take offence at the slightest suggestion of any criticism. This means that useful and helpful feedback is seldom ever sent for fear of angry reprisals and aggrieved posting to lists. Positive feedback is a great ego boost and wonderful to receive, but positive feedback that also contains suggestions or points out irritating mistakes is a useful tool for improvement. And I'm sorry, but if you don't want to or don't think you need to improve I don't think you should be writing for an audience.

23. Destruction fic: I've seen this mostly in the X-files, I'm sure it is in other fandoms. If you love a character, let's take Mulder, and want to write about him, can you explain to me why anyone would then proceed to destroy that which makes him so enjoyable? Mulder is sexy and handsome sure, but more importantly he has a wonderful brain, is highly intelligent and intuitive and is capable and somewhat brave and foolhardy. Why then would anyone break him and leave him a mindless sex slave. He may still look good, but he's NOT Mulder. And yes, I've skimmed through a couple of stories that have done exactly that!

24. Layout: Please leave spaces between paragraphs and between each person's narrative. That way it is easier for your reader to follow what is happening. Nothing spoils a good story more than poor presentation.

25. Misused words: Once or twice is acceptable, but consistently misused words throws me out of a story very quickly.  I think the most common one I see is lose and loose. Lose is to misplace, loose is unrestricted, unhindered.  To/too/two: To is a preposition, too means also  and two is the number 2 (It takes two to tango. It takes two to waltz too). Their/they're/there: Their is a possessive pronoun, they're is the contractions of they are and there is the opposite of here. Your/you're: Your is a possessive pronoun, you're is a contraction of you are. Its/it's: Its is a possessive pronoun, it's is a contraction of it is. Bear/bare: Bear is an animal, but it is also used to support, bear weight, to carry, bear arms, to conduct, crowds bore her to her car, to give or offer, bear witness, to tolerate, bear pain, to change direction, bear right, to press downwards, bear down, and many other meanings. Bare means to be without cover, naked or revealing (as in feelings) empty or plain or as in a bare room. Affect/effect: Affect is a verb, meaning to change. Effect is a noun, the result produced by change (He is not affected by heights. I, on the other hand feel the effect if I am on the first rung of a ladder). Lie/lay: Lie means to recline, lay means to place (Would you lay the book on the table, please) or is used as the past tense of lie. Whose/who's: Whose is a possessive pronoun, who's is a contraction of who is. Prostrate/prostate: Prostrate is to lie face down on the ground, prostate is that gland at the neck of the bladder in men. Desert/dessert: Desert (noun) is hot, dry land or desert (verb) is to abandon, leave. Dessert is the sweet course in a meal. Basically, if you're unsure of a word use a dictionary!  And by the way, if you have scorn or contempt for something or someone, you show disdain NOT distain.

Want more, try Bill Bryson's very useful and highly accessible book Troublesome Words

26. Warnings: I have a feeling that those of you who moan about lack of warnings have never read in The Professionals fandom. :-) Wander on to The Circuit Archive, the main Professionals slash site, and you will find nothing but the title, no pairings or warnings at all! Fortunately for me, Bodie and Doyle are the main pairing for nearly all of the slash fiction since I don't find Bodie and Cowley a believable or a pleasant thought! Most readers expect a brief summary and to be told the genre, the pairing, the rating and given warning for extreme violence, rape, death etc. After that I think you must take a chance. Novels have dust jackets or a blurb on the back which just gives you a brief preview, seldom any warnings. If you don't like the way a story is going, get out, or check the last few pages. We all have delete buttons for a reason. Use them, and allow authors to keep some surprises in their stories.

27. Tense: Most stories tend to be written in third person past tense. Not all, and if you want to write in second person future tense, please do. All I'm asking is that you make sure that you remain in the same tense throughout the story.

15.08.03

(I'll add more as things comes along and hit me over the head, unless you have something you'd like me to add?)

27.02.04:  Explained more about the use of the words bear with the prompting of J who gets uptight about its misuse, particularly in the Stargate fandom. :-) Thanks, J.